Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can`t get out of here with an 8-iron."
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A burglar broke into a Christian family’s home one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he whispered to the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? And what is your name?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed.
“What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
Mr bear and mr rabbit were walking through the forest when they came to a magic frog....
the frog said ' Because you have awoken me i will grant you both 3 wishes each'
Mr Bear smiled and jumped to his first wish...he said
'I wish all the bears in this forest apart from me were female'
Woosh and the wish came true, now it was Mr rabbits turn.
'I wish i had a brand new motorbike helmet'
Woosh a helmet appeared in his hands, now Mr bear again
'hmmm...i wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were female too'
so the wish came true, back again to Mr rabbit
'I wish for a motorcycle'
and the motorcycle appeared infront of him...mr bear moaned that mr rabbit was wasting valuable wishes but carried on with his final wish anyway.
'I wish every other bear in the entire WORLD was female'
so the frog granted the wish. Mr bear smiled and turnt to mr rabbit for his final wish. Mr rabbit put on his helmet and climbed onto the motorcyle turning on the engine.
The frog said 'Well mr rabbit, your final wish'
Mr rabbit turnt and said 'I wish mr bear was gay!'
and drove off into the forest as quick as he could.
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off, "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30." She said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a dip and chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like crap!" Then I would say, "It is crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said.
"It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," replied the father, "what have I done." So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me, "stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?"
Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.
As they prayed the clouds above opened and a Mighty Voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel....."
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny
But to me that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there".
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room
And say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is generally me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat.
Then, when the person walks away,
I ask myself, "who the hell was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke.
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Three women died in a car accident and went to heaven. When they arrived Saint Peter said , "Here is only ONE rule in Heaven don't step on the ducklings."
When they came in, they saw that it was true there were ducklings all over. It was almost impossibel not to step on one of the ducklings, though they try very hard the first woman had an accident and stepped on one of those. Saint Peter arrived with the ugliest man ever seen, put them together in chains and says "That's your punishment for stepping on a duckling, and forever you'll be chained to this ugly man!"
Next day the number two woman stepped on a duckling. The man who see everything, Saint Peter arrives with another ugly man, using the same comment as yesterday he chains no. two woman to that man.
The third woman has seen what happened to her girlfriends, and don't want that to happen to her, so she walks very, VERY carefully.
She managed not to step on the ducklings for several months, and one day Saint Peter came to her, with the most handsome, and beautyfull man, ever seen. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and not fat at all.
Saint Peter put them together in chains without a word. The woman said: "I wonder what happened, since I should be chained with to forever."
The guy said, "I don't know what YOU did, but I stepped on a duckling!"