Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Questions Asked Retired People?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown & into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, & when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me & continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me & wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket & put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, & the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, "Obama in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

Talking Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken-down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." the guy says. "Ten dollars?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that."

The Moral of the Story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Betty. Aunt Betty was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She tried being friendly with the enemy but they tried to rape her. So she killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Aunt Betty when she's been drinking."

Oops!

A Husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price. the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on.'

But she decided she would do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for herself. She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief? You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it.'

He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed coffin .

A Man With a Gun

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.

Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “Yes, I did.”

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did.”

A New Bar

In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign of petitions and prayers to block the bar from opening.

Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."

The Holiday

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

But Fred Died Recently

But Fred died recently. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody, and says, ‘Well, I’m sure Fred would be pleased.’

'I’m sure you’re right,’ replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.‘How much did this really cost?’

‘All of it?’ said Helen. ‘Thirty thousand.’

‘Really?’ Jody exclaimed. ‘I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?’

Helen answered, ‘The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.’

Jody says, ‘$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it ?!’

Two and a half carats.

A Rectum Stretcher?

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS