Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Wife: I have some good news and some bad news.
Husband: What's the good news?
Wife: The good news is I found a picture that's worth $500,000.
Husband: Wow! That's wonderful! What's the bad news?
Wife: The bad news is that the picture is of you and your secretary!
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby
talk "You need to use big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana," he said.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he replied.
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Ron what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What
book did you read?"
Ron thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the CRAP!."
My wife and and I purchased an old home in Pocahontas County in the beautiful mountains WV from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.
"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my wife confidently declared.
One January night the temperature plunged to 10 below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My wife called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, she hung up.
"For the past 30 years," she muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
Once a Pope and a lawyer died and went to heaven.
God came and said, "Follow me and I will give you your rooms." So they both followed.
First God gave the Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. "Thank you, thank you my lord," said The Pope.
Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman.
"Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other one to The Pope?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, we get popes by the dozens, but you're our first lawyer."
I was at the Town Center yesterday and got beaten up by a woman. I was on the elevator when this beautiful woman with a great bust got on. I was staring at her boobs when she said would you please press 1. So I did. I don't remember much after that.
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then placed his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. He proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He did the same on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" To which he responded: "I found the remote."
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.