Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke
to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You
want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was
taken 2 the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death
Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up ?"
God said, "No, you have another 34 years 2 days
Upon recovery, the woman decided 2 stay in the
hospital & have a face-lift, liposuction, & tummy
tuck. She even changed her hair color!
Finally she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the road on her way home, she
was killed by a truck.
Arriving in front of God, she asked,
"You said I had another 34 years 2 live. Why didn't
you save me from the truck?"
"I couldn't recognize you!"
A woman from New York was driving through a
remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered
her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the
Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it
echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited ?" asked the
"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him
on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto
the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles
The Pope was visiting an American. He was trying to get across town without attracting too much attention, so instead of the Popemobile, he was driving in a heavily armored SUV with very tinted windows.
So the chauffeur is driving the Pope around, and the Pope gets to wondering. "Man," he thinks, "I haven't driven in ages, not since I was a bishop." He promptly orders the chauffeur to pull over and get in the back seat. The Pope gets in front, slams his foot down on the gas, and barrels down Main Street.
The Pope is a terrible driver, and extremely out of practice. He crashes into street lights, fire hydrants, small children, everything. Eventually a police car, comes, sirens blaring, and the Pope pulls over.
The cop gets out of his car and taps on the window, and the Pope rolls the window down. The cop and the Pope stare at each other for a while, and then the cop nods and walks back to his squad car. The Pope drives off.
A nearby witness, who has seen the whole thing, runs over to the cop.
"Officer!" he asks, "Why didn't you arrest that man, or at least give him a ticket?"
The cop shakes his head and says: "He's too important to arrest."
The man says: "Who could be so important that they could get away with that?"
The cop replies: "I don't know, but he's got the Pope as his driver."
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine
gun and a Machete.
So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking
A man is being interviewed for a job and the interviewer asks him "What would you say is your greatest weakness?" The interviewee replies "I'm pathologically honest." The interviewer looks confused. "You're honest? I wouldn't describe that as a weakness. I think that's a great quality to posess." "I don't give a damn what you think."
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, Now dont get mad at me... I know weve been friends for a long time, but I just cant remember your name. Ive thought and thought, but I cant recall it. Please tell me what your name is.Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.Finally she said, How soon do you need to know?
The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local meteorologist office.
"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"
"Yes" said the forecaster " it will be a bad one"
So the Chief told the braves that they didn't have enough wood and sent them back into the forest again. They returned with more wood but once again the Chief had doubts and he called the forecaster to confirm.
"It is going to be a really severe winter" replied the forecaster.
The Chief looked at the wood store, decided that more was required and the braves were dispatched back in to the forest. The Chief called the forecaster.
"Are you sure it's going to be a really severe winter"
"Look" said the forecaster "its definitely going to be the worst winter on record - the Indians are gathering wood like crazy!""