Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A young woman was walking along a deserted beach admiring the sunset when she noticed a lamp partially buried in the sand. She picked up the lamp and brushed the sand off. To her suprise a Genie appeared in front of her. The Genie said "You've got one wish, make it snappy" The young woman said "I thought Genies gave 3 wishes". "Not since the GFC, so what is your wish" said the Genie. The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in Peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF that's impossible, try another wish" the Genie grunted. Well said the young woman " I want a perfect man, one who is kind, compassionate, gentle who likes children and housework, loves to cook and will help clean the house even if the Super Bowl is on". The Genie stares at the young woman and finally says "Show me that map again"
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. dad: son, where were u today during school hours? son:at school *Robot slaps Son* son: ok i went to the movies DAD:Which one? SON:ToyStory *he slaps son again* son: ok, it was day with a pornstar dad: what. When i was ur age i didn't even know what porn was! *he slaps dad* mom: HAHA!After all he's ur son *he slaps mom*
The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local TV station.
"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"
"Yes" said the forecaster " it will be a bad one"
So the Chief told the braves that they didn't have enough wood and sent them back into the forest again. They returned with more wood but once again the Chief had doubts and he called the forecaster to confirm.
"It is going to be a really severe winter" replied the forecaster.
The Chief look at the wood store, decided that more was required and the braves were dispatched back in to forest. The Chief called the forecaster.
"Are you sure it's going to be a really severe winter"
"Look" said the forecaster "its definitely going to be the worst winter on record - the Indians are gathering wood like crazy!""
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing together.
The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time"
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair......
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "It started!”
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers??? license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too." :))
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is a little Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says…
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
Morris returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife, Alma, that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she
agreed and they made mad passionate love.
Six hours later, Morris went to her again, and said. “Honey now I only have
18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?”
Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later Morris is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours left. He touched Alma’s shoulder and said, “Honey? Please? Just one more
time before I die.”
She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Morris, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and tossed and turned
until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. “Honey, I only have four
hours left! Could we?”
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, “Listen Morris, I have to
get up in the morning! You don’t!”
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving
very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled
the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads
stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then
there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these
mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I
had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye
know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for
later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he
located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you
to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"