Before Children (3/13/14)

Jeff and I just found out a friend of ours is expecting a baby...and I ran across this a few years back...and I think it's time to share it again for all of you expecting a baby...pay attention..again...

 
Before kids, going to the bathroom was a solitary activity. Of course it was -- why wouldn't it be? After kids, going to the bathroom is a full-contact sport. I'm not proud of it, but I am now an expert at going to the bathroom with a small child clutching my thighs and wailing for attention.
 
Before kids, three was the optimum number of drinks. It was enough to get a little drunk and fun but not ridiculously out-of-control. After kids, on the rare occasions I go out, I can have one drink. One. Any more and I'm up to pee a million times at night, plus I wake up feeling like I have a 10-drink hangover.
 
Before kids, brunch didn't start until 11 a.m. After kids, lunch is at 11 a.m.
 
Before kids, I didn't worry about not getting enough sleep during the week; after all, that's what the weekends were for. After kids, hahahaha! What weekend? We get up at the same (early) time on the weekend as we do during the week and there's actually less of a break since there's no school.
 
Before kids, we chose restaurants based on what food we wanted to eat. What a concept. After kids, we choose restaurants based on who has a children's menu and an accommodating seating plan -- and is open at 5 p.m.
 
Before kids, I ate when I was hungry. Hot food was hot. Each mouthful was a carefully constructed bite of what I wanted, when I wanted it. After kids, I shove food in my mouth when given the opportunity. I finish my older son's food and if the baby lets me put him down, I take those few minutes to eat whatever I can find. 
 
Before kids, birthday parties were an excuse to get together with friends for too many overpriced drinks. After kids, birthday parties are still an excuse to get together with friends -- the parents of my son's friends. Going to kiddie birthday parties is pretty much the main way I socialize now.
 
Before kids, when I went out I didn't leave until after 9 p.m. After kids, I'm in bed around 9 p.m.
 
Before kids, I dyed my hair to change the color. After kids, I dye my hair to cover the grays. 
 
Before kids, I chose where I lived based on proximity to bars and restaurants. After kids, I chose where I lived based on the school district.
 
Before kids, my apartment was decorated with trinkets from vacations, knickknacks found at flea markets, some arty prints, and pictures of my friends and me. After kids, the most expensive things on display are plastic dinosaurs. The prints have been replaced with drawings by a highly sought-after new artist (my pre-schooler) and all our pictures are of the kids.
 
Before I had kids, if my neighbors had a late-night party, I went. After I had kids, if my neighbors have a late-night party, I call the cops.