Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

Parking Ticket Joke

You may need: Adobe Flash Player.

Parking Ticket Joke

Once a minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

92 Year Old Man Joke

You may need: Adobe Flash Player.

92 Year Old Man Joke

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

 
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
 
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
 
The wife answered,
‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’
 
The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
 
The husband thought for a moment:
 
‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’
 
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish!!.
 
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…
the husband became 92 years old.

Surgery Joke

You may need: Adobe Flash Player.

Surgery Joke

An older gentleman was on the operating table Awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, A renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia

He asked to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son;Do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well,if something happens to me, your mother is going to come And live with you and your wife….”

Bless Me Father Joke

You may need: Adobe Flash Player.

Bless Me Father Joke

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

 
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
 
"Yes Father, it is."
 
"And who was the girl you were with?"
 
"I can't tell you Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
 
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
 
"I cannot say."
 
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
 
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
 
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
 
"My lips are sealed, Father."
 
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo?"
 
"Please Father, I cannot tell you."
 
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
 
Joey walks back to his pew and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
 
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

Nuns Joke

You may need: Adobe Flash Player.

Nuns Joke

Sitting behind some nuns (whose habits partially blocked their view) at a hockey game,
 
three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, ‘I think I’m going to move to Utah,
 
there are only 100 nuns living there.’
The second guy spoke up and said, ‘I want to go to Montana , there are only 50 nuns living there.’
The third guy said, ‘I want to go to Idaho , there are only 25 nuns living there.’
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said,
 
‘Why don’t you go to hell? There aren’t any nuns there!’

Think like a woman Joke

You may need: Adobe Flash Player.

Think like a woman Joke

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”
“No,” I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked
“No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”
Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”

Fart Joke

You may need: Adobe Flash Player.

Fart Joke

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

Guess Your Age Joke

You may need: Adobe Flash Player.

Guess Your Age Joke

Outside a nursing home, an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

 
The old man said, “There ain’t no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
 
One of the grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age.”
 
Embarrassed just a little, the grandpa dropped his drawers.
 
The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, “You’re 84 years old!”
 
“How in the world did you guess?!?” he gasped in amazement.
 
The grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison: “Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!!”

Wedding Cake Joke

You may need: Adobe Flash Player.

Wedding Cake Joke

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

Wedding Cake Joke

You may need: Adobe Flash Player.

Wedding Cake Joke

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”