One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" she asks. Her mother replies, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thinks about this awhile, then asks, "So how come ALL of Grandma’s hairs are white?"

 A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. 
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. 
He tries this a few more times with no success. 
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, 
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, 
"You need a piece of tail." 
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!" 

Alabama beat Arkansas,

and they fired the coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee,

and they fired the coach.

Alabama beat Auburn,

and they fired the coach.

Alabama beat Notre Dame

and the Pope resigns...

Too bad the White House doesn't have a team.

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he
came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date
stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might
have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a
minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark
corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would
have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be
ready Thursday," he said calmly.