Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

50 Year Old Ass Joke

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50 year Old All Joke

A woman who just turned 50 is at home, naked, happily jumping on her

bed and laughing with pure delight.
 
Her husband watches for a few minutes and asks: “Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”
 
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says:
 
“I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and
the doctor says that, not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts
of an 18 year old.”
 
The husband asks: “What did he say about the 50 year old ass?”
 
She replies: “Your name never came up.”

Nothing Hurts Joke

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Nothing Hurts Joke

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.

They had just awakened from a good night’s sleep.
 
He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”
“Why not?” he asked.
She answered, “Because I’m dead.”
The husband asked…
 
“What are you talking about?
 
We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!”
She said, “No, I’m definitely dead.”
He insisted, “You are not dead.
 
What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”
 
“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”

Kids and Love Joke

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Kids and Love Joke

What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . ..

 
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.
 
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, ‘What does love mean?’
 
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined See what you think:
 
‘When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.’
 
Rebecca- age 8
 
‘When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.’
 
Billy – age 4
 
‘Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.’
 
Karl – age 5
 
‘Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.’
 
Chrissy – age 6
 
‘Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.’
 
Terri – age 4
 
‘Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.’
 
Danny – age 7
 
‘Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss’
 
Emily – age 8
 
‘Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.’
 
Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)
 
‘If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,’
 
Nikka – age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)
 
‘Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.’
 
Noelle – age 7
 
‘Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.’
 
Tommy – age 6
 
‘During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
 
He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.’
 
Cindy – age 8
 
‘My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.’
 
Clare – age 6
 
‘Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.’
 
Elaine-age 5
 
‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.’
 
Chris – age 7
 
‘Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.’
 
Mary Ann – age 4
 
‘I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.’
 
Lauren – age 4
 
‘When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.’ (what an image)
 
Karen – age 7
 
‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.’
 
Mark – age 6
 
‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.’
 
Jessica – age 8
 
And the final one
 
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
 
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
 
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
 
‘Nothing, I just helped him cry’
 
 
 

Shingles Joke

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Shingles Joke

The old man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist
asked him what he had. The old man said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down
his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a
seat.
 
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked the old man what he had.
The old man said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down height, weight, a complete medical history and told the old man to wait in the examining room.
 
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked the old man what he
had. The old man said, ‘Shingles.’ So the nurse gave the old man a blood test, a
blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told the old man to take off
all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
 
An hour later the doctor came in and found the old man sitting
patiently in the nude and asked the old man what he had. The old man said,
‘Shingles.’
 
The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
 
The old man said,
 
‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??’

Love Dress Joke

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Love Dress Joke

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

“What are you doing?” she asked.
 
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work.,” the daughter-in-law answered.
 
“But you’re NAKED!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
 
“This is my Love Dress.” the daughter-in-law explained.
 
“Love Dress? But you’re naked!”
 
“My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.” The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
 
On the way home she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
 
Finally her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
 
“What are you doing?” He exclaimed.
 
“This is My Love Dress.” She replied.
 
“Needs ironing.” he said.

Mutual Orgasm Joke

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Mutual Orgasm Joke

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm.’

 
“Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm’ there. That’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?”.
 
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”

2 Boys Praying Joke

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2 Boys Praying Joke

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. “I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE… I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION… I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.” To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”

Poison Joke

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to

her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You still want my advice?”

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,

“Take the poison.”

The Ad Joke

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No Arms Joke

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
 
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you … you have no legs!” The old man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you!”
 
She snorted. “You don’t have any hands either!” Again the old man smiled, “Nor can I beat you!”
 
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. “Are you still good in bed?” With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Grandmaw goes to court Joke

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Grandmaw goes to court Joke

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

 

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’