Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

Liquid Viagra

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one! Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

You can also used it in mixed drinks which means you can now "pour yourself a stiff one!"
 

Tick Warning!

Sometimes I am so gullible!

TICK WARNING

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings . . . but this one is
real, and it's important. So please send out this warning:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
survey on ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up,

DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked !
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and used now !!
Sigh.
 

Now That's A Cowboy

A young, good looking Cowboy walked into a drug store in Montana and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store,
A company pickup truck, and
$3,000 a month living expenses.

Help Wanted

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer." A Maltese dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The Maltese pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer." So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The Maltese went off to the typewriter and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly typed.

The manager, looking to stump the Maltese, said: "Here is a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the Maltese came back with the correct answer. The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual." The Maltese looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
 

Horse Tradin'

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’
His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.’
 

Wally

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Sue listened to an instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".

He addressed the men; "Do you know your wife's favorite flower?".

Wally leaned over and touched his wife's are gently and whispered "Pillsbury All Purpose, isn't it honey?"

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.

Show Him Your Badge!

A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska.

The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us."

Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer.

"See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badges! Show him your badges!"
 

Nine Words Women Use!

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying men are lacking brain  cells!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's
wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
 

She Can't Even Swim

A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor. After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.

The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it.

The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.

The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim."

 

Pray for my Hearing!

Leroy goes to the San Leon Primitive Baptist Church revival and listens to the preacher.

After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I needs you to pray for my hearing"
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday