Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
The ceremony was over. The deceased husband was buried, and the widow stood beside the grave with her best friend. As of that moment, she confided, she had no money left.
"How can that be?" said her friend. "You told me you got $40,000 from an insurance policy. How can you be broke already?"
The widow answered, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. The rest went for memorial stone."
"You spent $35,000 for a memorial stone?. Good grief, how big is it?"
The widow extended her hand. "Three and a half carats."
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..
' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '
I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came
There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"
"I'm a cow."
"Right, right. What do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a chicken."
"Oh, right. What do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
Al and Jeff had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Jeff and Al blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.
Five years later, Jeff drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Jeff looked up and gasped.
"Al!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."
"Yeah," Al said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman takes a bottle of wine from her car and puts the cap back on. She continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. She shook her head and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her
mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't
even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of
us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, then she just fainted!"
After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of his cab. "Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger. "Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by knocks on his cab. It's another jogger who asks the time. "It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding he didn't want to be disturbed any more so he could get some sleep, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME and sticks the paper in his windshield. Well, he gets to sleep again but before you know it, he is again awakened by knocks on his cab. It's another jogger, who says, "It's 5:25".
A guy took his blonde GF to her first football game and asked her how she liked it ? 'Oh, I really liked it especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, he asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!