Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?' After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. 'Yes, Yes, I will.'
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.'
Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”
The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.”
The trucker replies: “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m homesick.”
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.
"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.
"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."
"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say"?
Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support'."
Jose says " No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says... "So what does your sign say"?
Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico
There are twin boys of five or six. Mom was worried that the boys had developed extreme personalities -- one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist -- their parents took them to a psychiatrist.
First the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. "What's the matter?" the psychiatrist asked, baffled. "Don't you want to play with any of the toys?" "Yes," the little boy bawled, "but if I did I'd only break them."
Next the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist. Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. "What do you think you're doing?" the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. "With all this manure," the little
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I
can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About two
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How
long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said,' About three hours.'
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How
long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has
to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.
'A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,
A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.
First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.
After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.
The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."