Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Kroger when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my w!fe , and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my w!fe , too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs and is wearing short shorts.
What does your w!fe look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck
after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's
place. When they got to the door, Joe went
straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her
how beautiful she was and how much he had
missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed
her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told
Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much
over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about
6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home,
he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and
told her that he loved her. His wife burst into
Bob was confused and asked whyshe was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First,
littleBilly fell off his bike and twisted his ankle.
Then, the washing machine broke and flooded
the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan." Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark.
Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket.
Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Texan stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well,' says the Texan: "My eyes aren't what they used to be.
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen,"
said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you
make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the machine. "I just need one copy."
Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.
"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.
The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" , asked Morris.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
Bob a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyones's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.
She hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His mates at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance they corner him and ask "Bob how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies "Girlfriend she's my wife.
They are knocked over but continue to ask. "So how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age Bob replies.
What did you tell her you were only 50.
Bob smiles and says "no, I told her I was 90."
A young woman was walking along a deserted beach admiring the sunset when she noticed a lamp partially buried in the sand. She picked up the lamp and brushed the sand off. To her suprise a Genie appeared in front of her. The Genie said "You've got one wish, make it snappy" The young woman said "I thought Genies gave 3 wishes". "Not since the GFC, so what is your wish" said the Genie. The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in Peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF that's impossible, try another wish" the Genie grunted. Well said the young woman " I want a perfect man, one who is kind, compassionate, gentle who likes children and housework, loves to cook and will help clean the house even if the Super Bowl is on". The Genie stares at the young woman and finally says "Show me that map again"
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. dad: son, where were u today during school hours? son:at school *Robot slaps Son* son: ok i went to the movies DAD:Which one? SON:ToyStory *he slaps son again* son: ok, it was day with a pornstar dad: what. When i was ur age i didn't even know what porn was! *he slaps dad* mom: HAHA!After all he's ur son *he slaps mom*
The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local TV station.
"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"
"Yes" said the forecaster " it will be a bad one"
So the Chief told the braves that they didn't have enough wood and sent them back into the forest again. They returned with more wood but once again the Chief had doubts and he called the forecaster to confirm.
"It is going to be a really severe winter" replied the forecaster.
The Chief look at the wood store, decided that more was required and the braves were dispatched back in to forest. The Chief called the forecaster.
"Are you sure it's going to be a really severe winter"
"Look" said the forecaster "its definitely going to be the worst winter on record - the Indians are gathering wood like crazy!""