Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practic ed black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine-cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said : ‘I don’t think you should take one, Dad. They’re very strong and very expensive.’
‘How much?’ asked Grandpa.
‘$10.00 a pill.’ answered the son.
‘I don’t care,’ said Grandpa,
‘I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.’
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said : ‘Dad, I told you each pill costs $10.00, not $110.00. ‘
‘I know,’ said Grandpa. ‘The hundred is from Grandma!’
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hells Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old mans pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old mans milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old mans plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employees well being, asks sympathetically, "Whats the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "Im terribly sorry to hear that. Why dont you go home for the day... we arent terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, Id be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," re plies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said: "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
"Aye, that ye did, Father," she replied.
"And have ye any wee little ones yet?" the priest asked.
"No, not yet, Father," she replied.
"Well now," the priest said: "I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
"Oh, thank ye, Father," she said and they parted ways.
Several years later, they met again. The Father asked: "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
"Oh, very well, Father!" she replied enthusiastically.
"And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" the priest asked.
"Oh yes, Father!" she replied: "Three sets of twins and four singles -- 10 in all!"
"That's wonderful!" he said: "And how is yer loving husband doing?"
"Not so well," Mrs. Donovan responded: "He's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle!"
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'... 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..
'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something
about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his
girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and
walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good
idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend
entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed rabbers burst in waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."