Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Hillybilly Farmer and His Nagging Wife
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
A Blonde and 1st Class
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
'I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO '
The Deep Hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Geeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... have you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Senior Dress Code
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spot
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short-shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
13 Thongs and Depends
And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion for "Older Folks"--
14. Pierced Nipples that hang below the waist
A guy and a dog go into a bar....
A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers.
The bartendar just frowns and says, "Look buddy, we can't have any dogs sitting up at the bar."
The owner retorts, "But this is no ordinary dog." The bartendar doesn't budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.
The owner protests, "Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog."
The bartendar says, "Yeah right buddy.
Okay, why don't you and your talking dog leave the bar?"
The owner says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will."
So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women.
So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, "Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?"
The dog says, "No problem", and gets up and leaves.
The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.
Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, "Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?"
To which the dog replies, "Because I have never had $20 before."
Things you learn from your sons!
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh,' -- it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Two Ladies and a Flower Show
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement"
Nice Pigs
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I
got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,
"Excellent trade, sir."
Church Bells and Smiling
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply IN on the Ding and OUT on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if it wasn't for that ice cream van that came along.
Twenty Dollars!
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.'
That's when she shot him.
You know, that's what happens when you don't know when to keep your mouth shut...!!!
