Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A lady was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told her.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the lady asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well, I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked, "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The lady said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6. Doc Goose
7. Simon says something incoherent
8. Hide and go pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble inthe countryside
and asked to spend the night with a farmer.The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room fortwo to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.""No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for fortyyears. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With thathe departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door,and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There isa pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes latethe same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?"the farmer asked.The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, butthere is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. Ican't sleep on holy ground!"Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled andcomplained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was anotherknock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened thedoor, and there stood the pig and the cow.
The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new
dentures were being made.
The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third
Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this
"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second
Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I
accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"
A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are.
The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say,
'Oh, my God!'"
A little guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Then suddenly a large biker came along and snatched the glass and drank the contents.
The biker laughed his head off. "So what are you gonna do about that, little man?" he crowed.
"Nothing," sighed the little man despondently. "You see, today's been the worst day of my life. First I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was angry so he fired me. So I cleared my desk and went to my car, but I found it had been stolen. So I took a cab home but after paying the driver, I realized that I'd left my wallet in the back seat of the cab. I went into my house and found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar, and just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison..."
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."