Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

Another Chance Joke

A student went to Nebraska on a football scholarship. He was a great running back, but a poor student. 

 
At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma. 
 
The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only. 
 
The dean was on the stage and told him to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Sir, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." He said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Sir," he said, "How much is three times seven?" 
 
He looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes and then over at Coach Pelini, just pondering the question. 
 
The Nebraska students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!" 
 
Then he held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one." 
 
A hush fell over the auditorium and the Nebraska students began another chant... 
 
"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Teaching Math in the 1950's:

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math joke

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

Teaching Math in the 1960's:
 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in the 1970's:
 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math in the 1980's:
 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in the 1990's:
 
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
Teaching Math in the 2000's:
 
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

In My Pants Joke

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!” 

 

Clinton on Vacation

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Clinton on Vacation

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. 

 
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. 
 
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today." 
 
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States." 

Nurse Joke

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Nurse Joke

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature. " After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. "
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After half an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

Autocorreect (5/14/14)

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WIFI NOT WIFE JOKE

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

 
"Bob, I am so sorry, but I have to tell you this. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
 
Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
 
A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damned autocorrect. I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'."

Jeff is Dead Joke

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Jeff is Dead Joke

Jerie's husband Matt died suddenly one day. Jerie was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Jeff's obituary to read.

Jerie asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"

The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."

Jerie then said, "I want the obituary to read - JEFF IS DEAD."

The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Jeff's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Jeff so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."

Jerie's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - JEFF IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."

Hold On Joke (5/12/14)

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Pull My Tooth Joke

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

 
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.
 
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.
 
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. 
 
Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"
 
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
 
So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
 
"What are those?" he asked. "Viagra," she replied.
 
"I'll be darn," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." 
 
"It doesn't, "said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull that tooth."

Hooters Joke

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Hooter Joke

A friend of mine (a little older than me) was sitting with me at a Hooters with a couple other guys. Eventually one of the others starts talking about the waitresses and throws the question out, "Which one of these girls would you want to be stuck in an elevator with?"
 
His response was, "Whichever one knows how to fix an elevator. I'm old, tired and I have to pee a lot".

Lost Wife and Car Joke

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Lost Wife and Car Joke

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife. The following conversation took place. 
 
Husband. I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet. 
 
Policeman. What is her height? 
 
Husband. I never checked. 
 
Policeman. Slim or fat? 
 
Husband. Not slim, not fat. 
 
Policeman. Colour of eyes? 
 
Husband. Never noticed. 
 
Policeman. Colour of hair? 
 
Husband. Changes according to season. 
 
Policeman. What was she wearing? 
 
Husband. Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit. 
 
Policeman. Was she driving? 
 
Husband. Yes. 
 
Policeman. Colour of the car? 
 
Husband. Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door , and then the husband started crying. 
 
Policeman. Don't worry sir, we will find your car.