The Purina Diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Jake the Wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I told her that I probably shouldn't have because, although I'd lost 50 pounds, I ended up in the hospital and I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food was nutritionally complete.

I then told her that I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her that it hadn't; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.