Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, ‘Mike, let me tell you something… On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, ‘Here – try these on’.’
She did and said, ‘These are too big. I can’t wear them.’
I replied, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
‘Hmmm,’ said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, ‘Here – try these on.’
She tried them on and said, ‘These are too large. They don’t fit me.’
Mike said, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.’
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, ‘Here- you try on mine.’
He did and said, ‘I can’t get into your panties.’
Karen said, ‘Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.’
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a ‘Sniffer dog’. ‘His name is Smithy and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.’
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.’ He tells Smithy to ’search’.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, ‘Good boy’, and he turns to the man and says: ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.’
‘Say, that’s pretty neat,’ replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making note of his seat number for the police.’
‘I like it!’ says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to ’search’ again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.
The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent ‘What’s going on?’
The agent nervously replies,
‘He just found a bomb!’
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer!
Amen, Little Joey
UPS man goes to a house to deliver a package. He knocks on teh door and a 10 year old girl answers.
The girl is smoking a cigarett and has a beer in her hand.
Stunned, the UPS driver asks, "Is your Mother at home?"
The little girl replies, "What the Hell do you think?"
Ray and Bubba, mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,
'but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, then announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry! I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ....go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I! 'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?
Don't forget to mark your calendar.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, & to demonstrate they think it is okay to see nude women other than their wife, & to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American gov't appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists & applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America !
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The
doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in
disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the
appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide you own Easter eggs.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start maing the same noises as your coffee maker.
The Senility Prayer:
Grand me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway.
The good fortuen to run into the ones I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference.