Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."
"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?"
"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
Katie Couric , Charlie Gibson , Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq.
The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York, so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.
Gibson was satisfied.
Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.
He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?
'Kick me in the a**,' said the Marine.
'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the a**,' insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the a**.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the a**?'
'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three a**hole's report that I was the aggressor....?
Two rednecks, Rod and
Rod turns to
Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
The next day Rod goes to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for four classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic," Rod says, "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, you must have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, you must have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, you probably have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing. You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Rod shakes the dean's hand and leaves to meet
Rod says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"
"Then you're a queer."
A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we > > can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him > > looking for work in six weeks.' > > > > A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one > > person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four > > weeks. > > > > The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that > > we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and > > have them both looking for work in two weeks..' > > > > An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. > > We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the > > White House, and now half the country is looking for work.' >
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Last Thursday Night Around Midnight,
A Woman From Houston , Texas Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter
For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse.
The Following Monday Morning,
The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions.
The Woman Replied,
"I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work.
I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe...
I Was There Alone,
So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.
All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left.
As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse.
I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My Pistol.
The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips."
I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse,
And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!
When Asked By The Arraignment Judge,
"Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?
The Woman Replied Under Oath,
"Because, When I Pulled The Trigger Of My Pistol The 7th Time,
It Only Went Click."
The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges.
And She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe, The Next Day!
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window. The young man lowers his window...
What are you doing?
Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine...
Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: And her, what is she doing?
The young man shrugs: I believe she's knitting a pullover...
The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night... and nothing obscene is happening! What's your age, young man?
I'm 25, sir...
And her, what's her age?
The young man looks at his watch and says: "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes..."
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told,
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl
who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great!
Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic.
"Next semester in her biology class."