Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told,
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl
who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great!
Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic.
"Next semester in her biology class."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, Why is the bride dressed in white?The mother replied, Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.The child thought about this for a moment then said, So why is the groom wearing black?
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so."
"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It wont close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I dont think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? Theyre about to break."
"I"m not a damn carpenter and I dont want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I dont think so. I"ve had enough of you. I"m going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how"d this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his ambition to be the fastest gunslinger in the West. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.''Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'. 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man. 'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your rear end and it won't hurt as much.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is usually the husband. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had
something else to take care of first; the motorcycle, the car, e-mail, fishing,
always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way
to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. When you finish cutting
the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway!
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
A manager was upset that he got no respect at the office...so he
taped a sign to his office door that read: "I AM THE BOSS!"
When he returned from lunch, someone had taped another
sign to his that said "Your Wife Called....She Wants Her Sign Back"!
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led
down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had
given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and
a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning
to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you
please play The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked,
"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman
neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her
tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she
exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make
out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"