Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist Exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize Each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful Antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye On this antique watch It's a very special watch. It's been in my Family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and Forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of Eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Hypnotist's' fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"CRAP!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellooooo," answered the blonde . "They're watch dogs!"
The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."
The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, "Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?"
Obama replied, "Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice!"
The Pastor was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going ask the congregation ... to come up with money for the repairs of their church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here’s a copy of the service" he said impatiently, "but you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, ”Brothers & Sisters, we are in great difficulty, the repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need more. Any of you who can pledge $1000 or more, please stand up.
At that moment, the substitute played, “The Star Spangled Banner”
The substitute immediately became became the regular organist!
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Jake the Wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I told her that I probably shouldn't have because, although I'd lost 50 pounds, I ended up in the hospital and I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food was nutritionally complete.
I then told her that I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her that it hadn't; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.........
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say "Hello".
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville , Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more...
"Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is:"
"The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford , Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here."
"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"
A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the Golden Gate and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven together. God met the mice at the gates of heaven with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again. God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life! My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals-on-Wheels you have been sending are absolutely delicious."
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She and spotted a man in a boat below and lowered her altitude, then shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"Yes, I am." replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."