Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
Two men from Arkansas are walking along 2nd Avenue in Manhattan and they see a sign which reads: "Suits $7.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $4.50 per pair".
Bubba says to his pal, Billy Ray, "LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back home we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent, they might not serve us. I'll speak in my best New York accent."
They go in and Bubba says, "I want to buy 50 suits at $7.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $4.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"
"I sure am," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached
over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said “This duck ain’t from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin’ license, boy?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Kansas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?”
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “How’s about if you tell me.”
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.
That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He
saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we
made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover
at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes
and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
wild sex all night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my
mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the
leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As
soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new catholic husband had settled down on the couch..
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who in the hell did you lend it to, and for how long?'
Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question. "Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to members of the Cabinet and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. He goes to the Supreme Court and asks all nine members and doesn't get an answer. He goes to Congress and asks most of the members to no avail. Finally, he walks into the Colin Powell's office and says, "Colin, see if you can answer this riddle: Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell says, "It's me!"
"Are you sure?"
Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
“No doubt about it,” the new deputy said, “This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.”
“You’re right,” the experienced deputy replied. “But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he’s going to say, ‘it could have been worse’.”
“No way. You’re on.”
The old sheriff arrived at the scene. “No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide.” After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.
“But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.”
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse.”
“Yes, it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!”