Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Winnipeg were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through. "
So the good wife went out and moved her car....
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through. "
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must
Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just
leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
A scientist managed to clone himself, but the clone had one major flaw - it couldn't stop swearing and behaving in a disgusting manner.
The scientist knew that although he had made one of the greatest scientific breakthroughs in history, there was no way he could present such an embarrassing example to the world's press, so he decided to kill the clone and make a less offensive replica of himself.
The scientist took the clone to the top of a high cliff with the intention of pushing him over the edge.
"Where are you f-ing taking me, you silly old c**t?" asked the clone as they walked along the cliff edge.
"Just for a nice bit of fresh air" said the scientist, unconvincingly.
"You're going to f-ing push me over the ******* cliff aren't you, you f-wit!" screamed the clone as he tried to run away.
Unfortunately for the clone, this proved somewhat difficult as he had his trousers around his ankles and was quickly caught by the scientist and tripped up.
Quick as a flash, the scientist rolled him off the edge of the cliff and watched him fall to his death.
Several weeks went by and the scientist was wracked with guilt and decided to go to the police. Based on the fact that the clone was not officially alive, he was sure he would get away with it.
In the police station he told his story, confident that he could not be charged with anything. After much deliberation the chief inspector decided to arrest the scientist.
The scientist was shocked and asked on what charge was his arrest based on.
"Well sir, I am arresting you for making an obscene clone fall."
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know... how about nuclear power?" The other guy says, "Okay, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
A tough, old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left four children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great grandchildren, 10 great great grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It had rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr. Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say "Thank God" to get him to stop you must say "Our Father Who Art in Heaven."
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said, "Thank God," and the horse took off. They rode for miles with Marlow enjoying every minute of it. Suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, "Our Father Who Art in Heaven!"
The animal stopped instantly. Marlow reached his shaking hands into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. As he mopped his brow he said, "Thank God!"
A big city lawyer went deer hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a buck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a deer and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that deer, I'll sue you for everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom. The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the deer."