Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Two really old guys were sitting on a bench across the street from a flower
One of them said, "I am so bored, for ten bucks I would take off all my
clothes and run through that flower show."
The other guy says, "Here's ten dollars."
So the old man takes off his clothes, and runs into the show. About 15
minutes goes by, and finally he comes back.
His buddy asks "How did it go in there?"
"Fine," he replies, "I won the prize for the best dried arrangement."
A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight. "Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe. After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father." The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there
was a limousine there to transport him to his home.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for
The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.
A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to
see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
The supervisor asked, "Is it the Governor?"
The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."
The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the President."
The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."
The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"
A truck driver moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer
for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The
next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad
news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the truck driver and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and I
made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Sure, but just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo
anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of
Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a
week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding
to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. "Now what should I do?" His mother has an idea. "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. " I was humiliated," he groaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked him mom. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook!"
Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all
afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played
baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor.
They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they
don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him "How are you and
Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well
with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and
Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay
the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers "Well, so
far, we've been lucky..."
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as
beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the
table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying,
"Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"