A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the
table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying,
"Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

Three tortoises, Al, Jeff and Jake, decide to go on a picnic. So AL packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
 
When they get there Al unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Jeff Give me the bottle opener."
 
"I didn't bring it," says Jeff. "I thought you packed it."
 
Alan gets worried, He turns to Jake, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
 
Naturally Jake didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Jeff and Alan beg Jake to go back for It, but she refuses as she says they will eat all the sandwiches.
 
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, she finally agrees. So Jake sets off down the road at a steady pace.
 
Twenty days pass and she still isn't back and Jeff and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
 
Another five days and she still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Jake pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
 
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT GOING!"

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.

He said, "I want 3 flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
 
Brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to kitchen to ask cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is - an auto parts store?"
 
"No" sad cook. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
 
"Oh, ok" said blonde. Then she thought about it a minute and spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to customer.
 
Trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."
 

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, 

day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what he knew

what would certainly follow. "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton . This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back,"Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would again

bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Secretary of State.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more

apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...

See what you get for five bucks!?"