Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as
beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the
table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying,
"Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please? I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the bar and the bartender says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the bar the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" asks the duck. "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle," asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck pauses for a moment with a confused loook on his face and says, "What the heck would they want with a bricklayer?"
Three tortoises, Al, Jeff and Jake, decide to go on a picnic. So AL packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Al unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Jeff Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Jeff. "I thought you packed it."
Alan gets worried, He turns to Jake, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Jake didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Jeff and Alan beg Jake to go back for It, but she refuses as she says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, she finally agrees. So Jake sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and she still isn't back and Jeff and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and she still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Jake pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT GOING!"
Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."
the priest tells Henry, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing"
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" Henry asks.
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that smug grin off your face."
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, "I want 3 flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
Brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to kitchen to ask cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is - an auto parts store?"
"No" sad cook. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, ok" said blonde. Then she thought about it a minute and spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to customer.
Trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."
Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
'That ought to be obvious,' he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. 'The first thing we're gonna do is get the damn brakes fixed on our fire truck!'
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner,
day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what he knew
what would certainly follow. "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton . This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back,"Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would again
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more
apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?"
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a
soda machine and she arrived there just before a business
man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse
and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed
a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which
she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she
reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and
inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully,
she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a
Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the
machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain
Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was
reaching into her purse again, the business man who had
been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well
Duhhh!, I'm still winning"