Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Airline
A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he approached towards her and said the Delta Airline slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a confused look and he immediately thought to himself:
"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta Airlines."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He then removed Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned to him "What the hell do you want?"
The man smiled, then lay back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Southwest!"
Murder
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
It's Hell To Be Old (3/15/10)
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
The Nun and the Drinker
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
“How do you know this, Sister?”
“My Mother Superior told me so.”
“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”
“Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”
“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”
“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”
“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.”
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”
“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”
The United Way
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheel chair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.
"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "... And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"
You Could Have!
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the manager.
The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use.
He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"
explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
Upside Down!
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practic ed black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
Seventeenth Chapter
Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
Grandma & Grandpa
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine-cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said : ‘I don’t think you should take one, Dad. They’re very strong and very expensive.’
‘How much?’ asked Grandpa.
‘$10.00 a pill.’ answered the son.
‘I don’t care,’ said Grandpa,
‘I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.’
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said : ‘Dad, I told you each pill costs $10.00, not $110.00. ‘
‘I know,’ said Grandpa. ‘The hundred is from Grandma!’
Bikers and the Old Man
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hells Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old mans pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old mans milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old mans plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
