Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

Put down the gun!

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners
after his Sunday morning service as he always does when
Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
 

Those people at the Post Office

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Friday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

Oh...you have a prescription?

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some Cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.
 

No one believes seniors...

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers", and she put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two policemen were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The policemen turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday."

The first policeman turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

 

Cowboy solves gas problem

The COWBOY solution to save gasoline!
OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use.....

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants! That would be 15 million less people using our gas.

The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders.

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan.

Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in OUR military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway,
without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.....

Panhandlers

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......They panhandle on different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars
every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2 to 3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign

Died In Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this? "

The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

"Which service...the 8:30 or the 10:00?"

The bald man with a wooden leg...

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.

The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST.

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
 

A Screenwriter...

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone........"

"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says.

"My agent called?"

Signs You Are Too Drunk!

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence???

9. Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT's a drinking problem!

10. You can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved when you were in the bar.

12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

13. You fall off the floor...

14. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

15. "Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"

16. The glass keeps missing your mouth.

17. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

18. Vampires and mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

19. At AA meetings you begin with: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

20. Your idea of cutting back means less salt.

21. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

22. The whole bar says "HI!" when you come in.

23. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

24. "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."

25. "I'm not drunk, you're just sober"

26. Roseanne looks good.

27. You don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

28. "That damned pink elephant followed me home again."

29. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

30. "I'm as jober as a sudge."

31. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

32. You've fallen and you can't get up.

33. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.

34. "Beertender! Get me another bar!"

35. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

36. Your name is Ted Kennedy.

37. Foster Brooks appears sober to you.