Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light,turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi
driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to
my mother. "A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b**ch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car.
A man dies and goes to Hell. The Devil meets him at the gates and says "There are three rooms here. You can choose which one you want to spend eternity in". The Devil takes him to the first room where there are people hanging from the walls by their wrists and obviously in agony. The Devil takes him to the second room where the people are being whipped with metal chains. The Devil then opens the third door, and the man looks inside and sees many people sitting around, up to their waists in garbage, drinking cups of tea. The man decides instantly which room he is going to spend eternity in and chooses the last room. He goes into the third room, picks up his cup of tea and the Devil walks back in saying "Ok, guys, tea break's over, back on your heads!"
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged...
..., but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, ‘Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?’
‘Yes, I know,’ said the lady. ‘I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.’
‘But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!’ said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, ‘Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!’
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it.
God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lipo-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?
"God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
A hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'
'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your cock. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'
'Oh well, I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'
'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the West Virgina Symphony, and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Things you buy now won't wear out.
7. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so!?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week.
One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"