Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta Tower: "Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9L. -Allah is Great."
Saudi Air: "ATLANTA TOWER- ATLANTA TOWER!"
Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts, and praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hey" for us.
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."
So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"
"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door
Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. ]
"Come talkto me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?" I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN News,' he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
I'd just come out of a SuperMarket with a roasted chicken, french fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.
A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your will power!'
An 80-year-old WV hillbilly goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm from WV and I am a hunter,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.. I'm up well before daylight and out hunting all
day .. I have a beer, and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Hillbilly 'In fact he hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a
little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's A WV man and he's a hunter, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Papaw's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still alive?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the old Hillbilly
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'
'No, Papaw couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'