Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said
THREE boys were bragging about how fast their fathers could run. The first boy said: "My father can fire an arrow at a tree and run and catch it before it hits the tree." The second boy said: "That's not quick. My dad is a bricklayer, and he can drop a brick from a 10-storey building and run down the stairs and catch it before it hits the ground." The third boy said: "That's nothing. My dad is the fastest. He works for the council and knocks off at 4 o'clock and is home at 2:30pm
There was a man driving down the highway going about 55 miles per hour when this chicken with three legs began running beside him. He decided to speed up to 65 miles per hour, but the chicken stayed right beside him. So he sped up to 75 miles per hour, but still the chicken stayed with him. He came up to a fork in the road and the three-legged chicken went left and ran into a farm yard. Curious, the man decided to investigate so he pulled up to the farm and got out of his car. He noticed that the yard was full of three-legged chickens running around at high speeds. Still curious, the man went up and knocked on the door of the house and the farmer came out. The man asked the farmer, "How did you get all these three-legged chickens?" "Well," the farmer stated, "I have a family of three, and we all like the drumsticks, so I decided to engineer some chickens with three legs so everyone is happy." "How do they taste?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "don't know, haven't been able to catch one yet."
A red-head, a brunette and a blonde perform a Post Office robbery. They are on the run from the police and they have to ditch their car and go cross country.
They are all getting tired and happen across an old farm with a huge barn. Sneaking inside the barn, they see three old flour sacks. They all hide in separate sacks.
The police enter the barn and upon seeing the sacks, kick the first one containing the redhead. The redhead says "Woof!".
"Nothing in here but a dog sarge" says the constable. "We'd better move on".
They kick the sack containing the brunette. "Miaow!" she says.
"Nothing in here but a cat sarge. Better move on".
They kick the sack containing the blonde and the blonde says "Potatoes!"
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has
something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she
thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating
the tuna casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Wife asks husband,
"How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake"
A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone at his bedside rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely deadly virus, which is very contagious."
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the patient.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door.
Bubba and Bobby Joe rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. Bubba said to Bobby Joe,
"Mark this here spot so that we can come back right here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the Bubba asked Bobby Joe, "Bobby Joe, did you mark that there spot like ah tole ya?"
His friend replied, "Shore nuff, I put a big ole 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
"You stupid fool! Now, what we gonna do if we don't get that same boat today?!"
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throat.
"Bad food," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."