Al Woody's 6:20 Funny

Two Lawyers

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed rabbers burst in waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"

The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."

Eye Test

A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a
driver's license.

He has to take an eye test.

The optician shows him a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the optician asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, " I KNOW THE GUY!"

Where is the Post Office?

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the post office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town, and I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle, “Awww, come on; you don’t even know the way to the damn post office!”
 

Look What You Got!

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya
going boy?"

The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no
dang lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
 

Buy Everybody a Drink!

A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!" The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.

The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."
The drunk says, "I don't have any money!"
This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the living daylights out of the drunk and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too." The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks. The bartender says, "That'll be $42.50."

The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money!"

This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?"

The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"
 

SISTER MARY ANN ' S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of
gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a
block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas
and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always
resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said,

 

' If it starts, I ' m turning Catholic. '

Happy Valentine's Day!

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life

1.It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2.It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3.It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4.It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5.It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other

Don't Eat The Mushrooms!

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
'How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?'

'He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.'

'Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?'

'He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.'

'Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.'

'He died of a broken neck.'

'A broken neck?'

'He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.'

A Good Woman

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - - - - women like that are hard to find."

No..It's Tony Blair!

Barak Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question.

"Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"