Al Woody's 6:20 Funny
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the heck have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - heck, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River
Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't
jump, Think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, "Who the hell is Robert E. Lee?"
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumbass Yankee."
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was
pregnant. She burst out screaming, as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him
her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was
and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has
four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up
asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself."Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,? That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.
‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
Sarah was the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house............... And he left it there all night.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent his Wife Marge to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Marge saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt,
the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for that faucet?"
Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300." "My goodness that sure is a lot of money!"Marge exclaimed.
Then she proceeded To describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the Back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Marge, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."