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The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."
The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, "Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?"
Obama replied, "Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice!"
The Pastor was
preoccupied with thoughts of how he was
going ask the congregation ...
... to come up with money for the repairs of
their church building. Therefore, he was
annoyed to find that the regular organist
was sick and a substitute had been brought
in at the last minute. The substitute wanted
to know what to play.
"Here’s a copy of the service" he said
impatiently, "but you’ll have to think of
something to play after I make the
announcement about finances."
During the service, the minister paused and
said, ”Brothers & Sisters, we are in great
difficulty, the repairs cost twice as much
as we expected, and we need more. Any of you
who can pledge $1000 or more, please stand
up.
At that moment, the substitute played, “The
Star Spangled Banner”
The substitute immediately became became the
regular organist!
Yesterday I
was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for Jake the Wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was
about to check out. A woman behind me asked
if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an
elephant? So, since I'm retired with little
to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I
didn't have a dog, and that I was starting
the Purina Diet again.
I told her that I probably shouldn't have
because, although I'd lost 50 pounds, I
ended up in the hospital and I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect
diet and that the way that it works is to
load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you
feel hungry and that the food was
nutritionally complete.
I then told her that I was going to try it
again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in
intensive care because the dog food poisoned
me. I told her that it hadn't; I stepped off
a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a
car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to
have a heart attack, he was laughing so
hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
A blonde
decides to try horseback riding, even though
she has had no lessons nor prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted, and the
horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic
pace, but the blond begins to slide from the
saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's
mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the
horse's neck, but she slides down the
horse's side anyway. The horse gallops
along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping
rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond
attempts to leap away from the horse and
throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled
in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of
the horse's pounding hooves as her head is
struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground,
she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great
fortune.........
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her
dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say
"Hello".
A young man
goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville ,
Florida , and sees a card advertising for a
Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes
to learn more...
"Can you give me some more details about
this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files &
replies - "Oh yes here it is:"
"The job entails you getting the lady
patients ready for the gynecologist. You
have to help them out of their underwear,
lie them down and carefully wash their
genital regions. You then apply shaving foam
and gently shave off all their pubic hair
then rub in soothing oils so that they're
ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but
you're going to have to go to Oxford ,
Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from
here."
"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line
is!"
A cat died
and went to heaven. God met her at the
Golden Gate and said, "You have been a good
cat all of these years. Anything you want is
yours for the asking." The cat thought a
minute and then said, "All my life I lived
on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I
would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep
on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat
had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an
accident and they all went to heaven
together. God met the mice at the gates of
heaven with the same offer that He made to
the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had
to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and
even people with brooms! If we could just
have some little roller-skates, we would
never have to run again. God answered, "It
is done." All the mice had beautiful little
roller-skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on
the cat. He found her sound asleep on her
fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat
and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you
been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied,
"Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so
happy in my life! My pillow is fluffy, and
those little Meals-on-Wheels you have been
sending are absolutely delicious."
A woman in
a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She
and spotted a man in a boat below and
lowered her altitude, then shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a
friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and
replied, "You're in a hot air balloon,
approximately 30 feet above a ground
elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You
are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north
latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west
longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a
Republican."
"Yes, I am." replied the man, "How did you
know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything
you told me is technically correct, but I
have no idea what to do with your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a
Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you
know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where
you are or where you're going. You've risen
to where you are, due to a large quantity of
hot air. You made a promise that you have no
idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve
your problem. You're in exactly the same
position you were before we met, but,
somehow, now it's my fault."
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What's that you just served at the next table?" The waiter replied, "Ah, señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro - bull's testicles - from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Three old
mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench
outside a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one
of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We
bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There ain't no way you
can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we
can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to
prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his
drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around
a couple of times and to jump up and down
several times. Then they all piped up and
said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his
ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the
world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear
to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled
in unison—
We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
If you had
purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock one year
ago,it would now be worth $49.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left
of the original $1,000.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than
$5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air
Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of
beer one year ago,drank all the beer, then
turned in the cans for the aluminum
recycling REFUND you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current
investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle. It's called the 401 Keg Plan.
After a hardy West Virginia rainstorm filled
all the potholes in the streets and alleys
....
... a young mother watched her two little
boys playing in the puddle through her
kitchen window. The older of the two, a five
year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the
back of his head and shoved his face into
the water hole. As the boy recovered and
stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs
to the yard in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little
brother?!" she says as she shook the older
boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy" he
said. "I was baptizing him in the name of
the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.
In a trial, in a small SC town, a
prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand.
She was sworn in, asked if she would tell
the truth, the whole truth and nothing but
the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.
The witness was a proper well-dressed
elderly lady, the grandmother type,
well-spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the
woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr.
Williams. I've known you since you were a
young boy and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your
wife, manipulate people and talk badly about
them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the sense
to realize you never will amount to anything
more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster.
Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even
think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed
away, fearing the looks on the judge and
jurors' faces, not to mention the court
reporter who documented every word. Not
knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've
known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking
problem. The man can't build or keep a
normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire
state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife
with three different women. Yes, I know
him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was
seen slipping downward in his chair, looking
at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps
thundered throughout the court room and the
audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the
courtroom to silence, called both counselors
to the bench, and in a very quiet voice
said, "If either of you crooked bastards
asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown
in the jail for contempt!"
A man and
woman had been married for more than 60
years. They had shared everything. They had
talked about everything. They had kept no
secrets from each other, except that the
little old woman had a shoe box in the top
of her closet that she had cautioned her
husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought
about the box, but one day the little old
woman got very sick and the doctor said she
would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the
little old man took down the shoe box and
took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed
that it was time that he should know what
was in the box. When he opened it, he found
two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we
were to be married," she said, "my
grandmother told me the secret of a happy
marriage was to never argue. She told me
that if I ever got angry with you, I should
just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved, he had to
fight back tears. Only two precious dolls
were in the box. She had only been angry
with him two times in all those years of
living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll,
but what about all of this money? Where did
it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made
from selling the dolls."
A shy guy
in a crowded bar is trying to work up his
nerve to talk to a beautiful girl sitting
nearby. He finally goes up to her an quietly
says, "Excuse me, can I buy you a drink?"
She looks at him and in a voice loud enough
for everyone to hear, says, "No, I won't
sleep with you!"
The guy is horribly embarrassed and returns
to his bar stool. A few minutes later the
girl comes over to him and says, "I want to
apologize. I'm a grad student in psychology
and am studying how people react to
humiliating situations. I'm really sorry for
doing that to you. Can you forgive me?"
In the same loud voice she had used, he
looks at her and answers "$200! No way!"
Two women
friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out,
and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on
the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they suddenly realized they both needed
to pee. They were very near a graveyard and
one of them suggested they do their business
behind a headstone or something. The first
woman had nothing to wipe with so she took
off her panties, used them and threw them
away. Her friend however was wearing an
expensive underwear set and didn't want to
ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a
large ribbon from a wreath that was on a
grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband
phones the other husband and said, "These
damn girls nights out have got to stop. My
wife came home last night without her
panties." "That's nothing," said the other.
"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck
between the cheeks of her butt that said,
'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll
never forget you!'
One Sunday
morning, the pastor noticed little Alex
standing in the foyer of the church staring
up at a large plaque. It was covered with
names with small American flags mounted on
either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked
up, stood beside the little boy, and said
quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Father, what is this?" he
asked the pastor.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial
plaque to all the young men and women who
died in the Service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring
at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's
voice, barely audible and trembling with
fear, he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or
the 10:45?"
The seven
dwarfs always left to go work in the mine
early each morning. As always, Snow White
stayed home doing her domestic chores. As
lunchtime approached, she would prepare
their lunch and carry it to the mine. One
day as she arrived at the mine with the
lunch, she saw that there had been a
terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the
worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping
against hope that the dwarfs had somehow
survived.'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can
anyone hear me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there? 'Just as she
was about to give up all hope, she heard a
faint voice from deep within the mine,
singing.... 'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote
for Barack Obama! 'Snow White fell to her
knees, crossed herself and prayed, 'Oh,
thank you, God! At least Dopey is still
alive...
A woman
went to her doctor. The doctor, after an
examination, sighed and said ...
... "I've some bad news. You have cancer,
and you'd best put your affairs in order.
The woman was shocked, but managed to
compose herself and walk into the waiting
room, where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when
things are good, and we celebrate when
things don't go well.... In this case,
things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's
head to the club and have a martini." After
3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a
little less somber, there were some laughs
and more martinis. They were eventually
approached by some of the woman's old
friends, who were curious as to what the two
were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were
drinking to her impending end. "I have been
diagnosed with AIDS ,"The friends gave the
woman their condolences, and they had a
couple of more martinis.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter
leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought
you said you were dying of cancer, and you
just told your friends you were dying of
AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those
witches sleeping with your father after I'm
gone."
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather
had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit
her 95-ear-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her
grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack
while we were making love on
Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2
people nearly
100 years old having sex would surely be
asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many
years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time
to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the
right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in
on the Ding and out on the
Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and
continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Three
women: one engaged, one married, and one a
mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to
amaze their men....that night all
three will wear a leather bodice S&M style,
stilettos and mask over their
eyes ..
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other
night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4'
stilettos and mask.
He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I
love you...then we made love all
night long.
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other
night we met in the office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega
stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he
didn' say a word. We just had
wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The other night
I sent the kids to stay at my
mothers for the night, I got myself ready,
leather bodice, super stilettos
and mask over my eyes. My husband came in
from work, grabbed the TV
controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey
Batman, what's for dinner?'
A married
couple was invited to a Halloween party.
That night, as they were getting ready to go
out, the wife said she had developed a
migraine headache and had to stay home. She
told her husband to go to the party without
her. 'Don't let me spoil a good time for
you,' she said. After further discussion,
the husband put his costume on and went to
the party. The wife took some aspirin and
went to bed.
After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling
much better and decided to go to the party
and surprise her husband. As she was getting
ready, she thought to herself, 'I wonder
what my husband really does when I'm not
around.'
She then got into a different costume, so
her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went
to the party. Getting there, she stood off
to the side and watched. There was her
husband dancing with one girl after another
and getting very physical with them.
She decided to see just how far he would go.
She went up to him and started dancing with
him, got very close and whispered that they
should go outside. Going to one of the cars,
they made love. Prior to the midnight
unmasking, she left and went home to wait
for her husband to return so she could
confront him.
He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed
into bed.
She sat up and asked 'Well, how was the
party?'
He replied, 'It was no fun without you
honey.'
She said, 'I don't believe you. I bet you
had lots of fun!'
He replied, 'Really, Honey. When I got to
the party, some of the guys and I got bored
and we went downstairs and played poker all
night.
But you know, that guy I loaned my costume
to had one hell of a great time!'
Little
Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but
they just know that they are in love. One
day they decide that they want to get
married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to
ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr.
Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want
to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest
thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you
are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about
it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's
bigger than mine and we can both fit there
nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.
Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how
will you live? You're not old enough to get
a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our
allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and
I make 10 bucks a week That's about 60 bucks
a Month and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked
that Bruce has put so much thought into
this. He thinks for a moment trying to come
up With something that Bruce won't have an
answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce,
it seems like you have got everything all
figured out. I just have one more question
for you. What will you do if the two of you
should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
A wife
asked her husband, "Honey, if I died, would
you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I
guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife
asked,"would she live in this house?"
"We've put a lot of money into this house.
So I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived
in this house," the wife continued, "would
she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us
over two thousand dollars. It's going to
last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived
in this house and slept in our bed, would
she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replied. "She's
left-handed."
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his
wife is finishing up her shower, when the
doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the
door, there stands Bob, the next-door
neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give
you $800 to drop that towel, "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and
goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband
asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she
replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say
anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining
to credit and risk with your shareholders in
time,you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
*********
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in
and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to
reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an
accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg
again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed
heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go
forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job,
you might miss a great opportunity.
*********
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and
the manager are walking to lunch when they
find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a
Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just
one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I
want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach
with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the
manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in
the office after lunch."
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.
*********
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting,
doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle
and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.
*********
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would
love to be able to get to the top of that
tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got
the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and
found it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was
proudly perched at the top of the tree. He
was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
BullShit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there.
*********
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the
Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and
fell to the ground into a large field. While
he was lying there, a cow came by and
dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird
lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began
to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He
lay there all warm and happy, and soon began
to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and
came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the
bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of this story
(1) Not everyone who s**ts on you is your
enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is
your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep s**t, it's best
to keep your mouth shut!
A man walks
into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
behind him, and as he sits, the waitress
comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A
short time later the waitress returns with
the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come
again and the man says, "I'll have a
hamburger, fries and a coke," and the
ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once
again the man reaches into his pocket and
pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one
evening, the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a
steak, baked potato and salad," says the
man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with
the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of
his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity
any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always
come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I
was cleaning the attic and I found an old
lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay
for anything, just put my hand in my pocket,
and the right amount of money would always
be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most
people would wish for a million dollars or
something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk
or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always
there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir,
what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish
was for a tall chick with long legs who
agrees with everything I say."
A doctor
who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman
patient for most of her life finally
retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor
told the woman to bring a list of all the
medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through
these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she
had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH
CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is
absolutely NOTHING in these that could
possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young
Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning,
I grind one up and mix it in the glass of
orange juice that my 16 year old
granddaughter
drinks.................................. And
believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
Little
Johnny attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched as his father moved from
horse to horse, running his hands up and
down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why
are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm buying
horses. I have to make sure that hey are
healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd
better hurry home right away."
"Why?" said his father.
"Because the milk man stopped by yesterday,
and I think he wants to buy Mom."
A guy fell
asleep on the beach for several hours and
got horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly
admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister,
and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous
feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill
every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
“What good will Viagra
do for him, Doctor?”
The doctor replied, “It won’t do anything
for his condition, but it’ll
keep the sheets off his legs.”
An elderly
man in West Virginia had owned a large farm
for several years. He had a large pond in
the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and
some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go
down to the pond and look it over, as he
hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee. As he came
closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the
women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not
coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down
here to watch you ladies swim naked or make
you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to
feed the alligator."
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself'
The Hormone
Hostage knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his
mouth and he takes his very life into his
own hands! This is a handy guide that should
be as common as a driver's license in the
wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or
significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for
dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples
left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with
that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
Questions
Asked Retired People?
Working people frequently ask retired people
what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went
downtown & into a shop. I was only there for
about 5
minutes, & when I came out, there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, "Come on, man, how about
giving a retired person a break"?
He ignored me & continued writing the
ticket. I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me & wrote another ticket for
having worn tires.
So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket & put it on
the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on
for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him the more tickets he
wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown
on the bus, & the car that he was putting
the tickets on
had a bumper sticker that said, "Obama in
'08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that
I'm retired. It's important to my health.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken-down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." the guy says. "Ten dollars?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that."
The teacher
gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with
a moral at the end of it. The next day the
kids came back and one by one began to tell
their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we
have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we
were taking our eggs to market in a basket
on the front seat of the pickup when we hit
a bump in the road and all the eggs went
flying and broke and made a mess."
And what's the moral of the story?" asked
the teacher.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Now, Lucy?",
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise
chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen
eggs one time, but when they hatched we only
got ten live chicks And the moral to this
story is, don't count your chickens until
they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny do you have a story to share?"
Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story
about my Aunt Betty. Aunt Betty was a flight
engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got
hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a =ottle of
whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She
drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in
the middle of 100 enemy troops. She tried
being friendly with the enemy but they tried
to rape her. So she killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets, then she killed twenty more with
the machete till the blade broke and then
she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "
what kind of moral did your daddy tell you
from that horrible story?" "Stay the hell
away from Aunt Betty when she's been
drinking."
A Husband
walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a
sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown
several possibilities that range from $250
to $500 in price. the more sheer, the higher
the price.
Naturally he opts for the sheerest item,
pays the $500, and takes it home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go
upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy),
'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might
as well be nothing. I won't put it on.'
But she decided she would do the modeling
naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500
refund for herself. She appears naked on the
balcony and strikes a pose. The husband
says, 'Good Grief? You'd think for $500,
they'd at least iron it.'
He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday
at noon. Closed coffin .
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was
given the money, he turned to a customer and
asked, “Did
you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “Yes, I did.”
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then
turned to a couple standing next to him and
asked the man,
“Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did.”